Many of my clients say they are looking for safety. Many others say they are looking for connection.

Usually, what they really want is safety in connection.

This means they want to connect to others and still feel safe.

When someone focuses on safety alone, they may decide they feel safest with no relationships at all (or with surface-level relationships). This can look like an avoidant attachment style.

When someone focuses on connection alone, they may make connections indiscriminately, including with people who, unconsciously or on purpose, do harmful things in relationships. This can look like an ambivalent attachment style.

Focusing on safety in connection means seeking connection while acknowledging one is deserving of safety in relationships. This usually requires raising standards and being intentionally selective about who to connect with; having boundaries to protect oneself without avoiding the vulnerability required to deepen relationships with mutual respect and caring. This can look like a secure attachment style.

If you find yourself focused on safety or connection, ask yourself what it would be like to focus on safety in connection.